


I Just Wanna Be a Ghost

by kittensmctavish



Series: Buzzfeed Soulmates AU [7]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Musical References, Tumblr: Buzzfeed Creations Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 09:16:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15116378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: Celebrating the almost-seventieth episode of “Buzzfeed Unsolved”. (Because celebrating at the hundredth episode is for squares.)(Written for the Buzzfeed Creations Challenge, with the prompt "Milestones—100th Episode/Video.)





	I Just Wanna Be a Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for The Buzzfeed Creations Challenge (first time doing this). I know it was supposed to be for the hundredth episode. And then we got stuff for them doing a clip show for their “almost seventieth” episode. So…I kinda went with that and threw in actual hundredth episode stuff at the end. Oops.
> 
> Also, go listen to “Any Kind of Dead Person”; it is a treasure of a song and the sole reason for this fic, honestly. (Really…just go listen to “Ghost Quartet”.)

“You know, you two can just say ‘sixty-ninth’ and not ‘almost-seventieth’. You’re adults.”

“Mmm, we’re really not.”

You roll your eyes at Shane, who blows a party horn in your face, the distance between you little enough that the paper hits you in the face. You flinch at the contact before he lightly jams a paper cone on your head.

“C’mon! Get in the party spirit!” You take the party hat off and toss it somewhere in the vicinity of the desk.

“Shouldn’t this be the kind of thing y’all do for your one-hundredth episode? One hundred is a nice round number. And traditionally, that’s when shows have some big special to-do.”

“And that’s exactly why we’re doing this NOW, rather than then. We’re NOT traditional.”

Your roll your eyes but continue to check the camera and sound equipment for the almost-seventieth clip show episode of “Buzzfeed Unsolved”.

“So, come the hundredth episode, do you guys have anything planned for that, or will you treat it as just a regular episode?”

Shane shrugs. “Dunno.” He looks over your shoulder. “RYAN! We doing anything special for the hundredth?”

You turn to look in the direction Shane’s looking in…and your heart stops.

Dear every mother of every deity ever in the world, Ryan looks amazing in a suit.

Okay, time to play off like this isn’t having an effect on you in the slightest.

“You two have completely different party aesthetics going on here,” you say, looking from Ryan to Shane.

“Yeah, that’s kind of the humor of it all,’ Ryan says as he gets closer. “Anyway, Shane, what were you asking?”

“Our friend here,” Shane says, slinging an arm over your shoulder, “was wondering if we’re going to do anything notable for the hundredth episode when we reach that.”

“Get your arm off me, jackass,” you mutter, reaching up to push Shane’s arm off you.

“…honestly, haven’t thought that far ahead,” Ryan says. “Maybe revisit one of the earliest episodes?” He shrugs before reaching up. “How’s my tie?”

“Horrible,” Shane says, walking towards an approaching TJ and jamming a party hat on HIS head.

“Can you help me out?” Ryan asks you, hands still fiddling with the knot on his tie. You feel your face begin to heat up.

“Um…I’m…unfamiliar with ties, but…” You gesture awkwardly with your hands, just kind of turning your wrists as your fingers waggle like spider’s legs. “It looks fine?”

“Is it straight?” Ryan moves his hands.

“Um…actually, no…” You step a little closer to Ryan and hesitantly reach up for the tie. “If I make this worse, I apologize.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Ryan says, smiling down at you. Your eyes flick back to the tie, and you try to gently maneuver the knot the little bit more towards the center that it needs to be moved. “If you don’t mind me asking, why were you curious about the hundredth?”

“Because almost-seventieth seems a random thing to celebrate,” you answer, a little distracted as you focus on the tie.

“Yeah, well, we’re immature, so…”

“Or you could’ve waited to pull a Simpsons and done a 138th episode spectacular,” you suggest. Ryan laughs.

“Goddamn it…we might have to do that.”

The knot isn’t really adjusting on its own.

“Sorry, I need to…” With one hand still on the knot, you reach up towards the collar of Ryan’s shirt and tuck your fingers beneath the white fabric, feeling for the loop of the tie to shift it. “Let me know if I’m choking you.”

“You’re fine.” You’re close enough to Ryan now that his breath tickles your face, and if your fingers are shaking at this sensation and proximity (and the fact that this is the closest you’ve ever stood to him with him being fully aware of it because that day at the dentist doesn’t count and HOLY FUCK, he smells amazing), you hope he can’t notice.

“You’re gonna be at the afterparty, right?” Ryan’s voice snaps you out of your train of thought.

“Yeah, y’all asked, like, a week ago,” you say, trying to keep your voice casual. Quite a number of people were slated to be there because…well…Buzzfeed loves parties.

“Cool. Like…I know I’ve said this before, but…you’re part of the Unsolved family now. Wouldn’t feel right if someone from the fam was missing.”

What you WANT to do is melt into a puddle on the floor a la Alex Mack and slither away, form again in the sanctity of your room, and scream into your pillow. Instead, you roll your eyes and mutter “you’re such a dork”, a smile tugging at your lips when that makes him laugh. You slide the knot back up gently.

“How’s that feel?” you ask.

“Fine,” he says”. You glance over the knot, where the tie is located in conjunction with the suit.

‘You look good to go,” you say, patting the tie…before realizing that means you’re also patting his chest and then you back away before you can be even more awkward than you already are. “You might want to check…again…don’t really know what I’m doing.” Ryan looks down.

“Looks fine to me,” he says. “Thanks.” You offer a thumbs-up before settling yourself by the sound equipment, while Ryan and Shane make their way to the set and TJ checks the cameras and lighting.

You surreptitiously slip your phone out of your pocket and open your texts:

_hey sis. you’re still on for tonight?_

A moment passes. An ellipsis displays.

_yep. keyboard and synth are in the car._

_recorder? kazoo?_

_obtaining as we speak. recorder may be a penny whistle. you’ll just have to deal._

_cool. see you soon. and thanks so much._

_you promised me booze, so…_

***

People at Buzzfeed will look for literally any excuse to have some sort of a party.

Birthday? Party. Anniversary? Party.

Tasty has leftovers? Party.

It’s Wednesday? Party.

Celebrating the almost-seventieth episode of a series? Party.

So needless to say, there’s more people than just the usual people who work on Unsolved. Tasty, As/Is, Pero Like, Ladylike – hell the Try Guys snuck in. You think you see TJ’s wife, but you’ve never actually met her, so you’re not certain…but whoever she is, she’s chatting away with Sara.

Helen was already flying back from work travel that day, but she surprised Ryan by coming straight to the party, rather than going home. (He scooped her up into the biggest hug and twirled her in the air, fingers tangling into her hair, her laughter reverberating through the space, and it was adorable and it made your heart hurt and Adam was quick to step into your path with a plate full of little raindrop cakes Rie had made as a surprise for the party.)

As Ryan and Shane are preparing to make some corny little speech about the show, your phone buzzes. You look down at it.

Your sister’s here.

“Aw…sorry, you guys, I have to take this,” you sigh, as though annoyed. “I’ve been expecting this call. But you go ahead and speech.” Ryan looks like he wants to protest but you hold a finger up. “This call might be a while, so don’t stop the party on my account. Go ahead.” And you quickly exit before any further attempt to stop you can be made. As you walk out, you pass Adam, nodding your head in the direction in which you are walking. He follows you.

“Yello?” you answer your phone.

“I’m surprised I didn’t get lost-er than I did getting here,” your sister says. “Also, parking here SUCKS.”

“Adam and I are en route. Chill.”

***

Honestly, you’re amazed no one notices what you and Adam and this other woman no one’s seen before are doing in the corner of the room.

Like…a keyboard and a synthesizer aren’t the most subtle of instruments to move around, much less set up. (Either that, or fuck it, it’s Buzzfeed, weird hit happens here all the time.)

Regardless, the nice speeches seem to have devolved into an intense debate between Ryan and Shane about something Hotdaga-related, much to the amusement of all. So there are distractions aplenty.

And thankfully, your name doesn’t come up until right about the time your sister says she’s got everything handled from here, she needs to get the settings for the synth right.

Your name gets called again.

“Yeah, what’s up?” you call from your location.

“WHERE have you BEEN young lady?” Shane scolds. “We have been looking for you for SECONDS.” There is some laughter. Shane drops whatever stupid bit he’s doing distracted by the sight of your sister tweaking the synthesizer.

“Yeah, so…kinda have a surprise for you two, in honor of the almost-seventieth episode,” you say, loud enough to also be an announcement of sorts.

“Oh. …cool.”

“It can wait until you two are done—”

“No, we’re done,” Ryan says, puling Shane back so there’s room for you to be seen. “Go ahead.” You nod.

“Okay, so…um…hi, everyone,” you say to the crowd, whose eyes are now on you.

“I STILL WANT YOUR BABIES!”

“I know you do, Jen,” you laugh as the crowd laughs. “So, yeah. For anyone who knows me, or for anyone who was at karaoke that one time…” You pause, not expecting the few cheers that resulted from what you said, “…or for anyone who saw the video of that karaoke that I posted to my YouTube, Dave Malloy musicals are my jam.” There are a few more cheers, but probably more for you rather than Dave Malloy.

“Anyway,” you continue, “he wrote a musical called ‘Ghost Quartet’, which…you can probably tell, it’s about ghosts. So…okay, there’s a point I’m gonna get to, but bear with me for a moment.” You take out your phone. “So, you’d think that a man who writes a musical about ghosts would stand firmly on the side of the Boogaras, HOWEVER…” You hold up a finger as you scroll down your phone screen. “Okay, there’s a song in the musical called ‘The Astronomer’. It’s sung by an astronomer.”

“NO.”

You glare at Shane.

“ANYWAY, one of the lyrics in the song is ‘I never saw anything I couldn’t blame on my mind so I don’t believe in ghosts’.”

“I DON’T BELIEVE IN GHOSTS!” your sister sings from behind the keyboard, much like the echo in the actual song. You turn to glare at her now, and she just waves innocently.

“That’s my sister, by the way,” you inform, gesturing towards her. “Anyway, in the annotations on Genius for that song, Dave Malloy himself wrote, and I’m quoting him: ‘Once after a show someone asked me if I believe in ghosts…to which I replied, “I just spent the last 95 minutes trying to explain that to you!” But this is probably the most straightforward answer to that question that I have’.” You click your phone off and look up at the crowd. “So Dave Malloy’s a confirmed Shaniac.” You point at Shane. “YOU should be GODDAMNED HONORED to be in such esteemed company.”

Shane looks torn between being insulted and amused but laughs with the rest of the crowd.

“So the point I’m for really reals getting to now is…” You pause. “This is from ‘Ghost Quartet’, Side One, Track Seven. ‘Any Kind of Dead Person’.”

You turn towards your sister and nod. She nods and poises her hands over the keyboard.

“If you could be a bird,” she sings as she plays the first chord, “what kind of bird would you be?”

“A robin,” you answer. There are a few cheers as people realize they’re in for a song.

“If you could be a cat, what kind of cat would you be?”

“A lion.”

“And if you could be a part of breakfast…” Your sister drops her voice an octave for this part for comedic effect. “…what part of breakfast would you be?”

“The piece of toast!”

“And if you could be a dead guy…what kind of dead guy would you be?”

You smirk at the crowd…at Ryan and Shane, who seem to know what’s coming. You draw the next three words out a little, to build the anticipation.

“I’d be a…ghost.”

Your sister jumps right into the new faster tempo – a jazzy, fun, minor-keyed bop.

“Don’t wanna be a zombie cuz zombies are just good fun,” you begin the first verse. “Don’t wanna be a vampire cuz they can’t feel the sun. Don’t wanna be a medical corpse—the students would cut me wrong! No, I just wanna be a ghost and go ooo ooo ooo all night long!”

You bop along to the beat as your sister plays the arpeggios that transition from one verse to the next.

“Don’t wanna be a ghoul cuz I respect myself. Don’t wanna be some ashes in a coffee can on the shelf. Don’t wanna be a wraith—I could never be that strong! No, I just wanna be a ghost and go ooo ooo ooo all night long!”

You turn back to the keyboard and reach for the penny whistle your sister brought, with just enough time to prepare for the transition between verses. (It’s not a guitar, like the original song, but you can’t pay the guitar, and honestly, penny whistles are easier to transport. And even if you’re slightly off with the whistle, it just adds to the song.) When you’re done with the whistle and begin the third verse, you hand the whistle off to Adam, who’s been lurking by your sister and acting as page turner.

“Don’t wanna be a poltergeist cuz I’m no movie star,” you continue. “Don’t wanna be a lich—I’m not even sure what they are. Don’t wanna be just a brain in a jar in a lab in South Hong Kong, no, I just wanna be a ghost and go ooo ooo ooo all night long.”

You turn to watch your sister roll the chair she’s sitting in quickly from the keyboard over to the synthesizer.

It sounds like Pacman. Or something resembling Pacman. You’re pretty sure that’s Dave Malloy’s intent, or maybe you just associate the synth with the video game because there are ghosts in Pacman. Either way, you’re sort of kicking yourself for not making some cutouts of the ghosts from Pacman and waving them about during this bit. Oh well.

“Don’t wanna be a spook cuz that word’s a little racist…” That line, much like the live recording, results in some laughs (and at least two “What the fuck’s”). “Don’t wanna be a mummy—I admit it, I’m an ageist. Don’t wanna be a white walker—that’s some other fella’s song!” (More laughs because “Game of Thrones”.) “No, I just wanna be a ghost and go ooo ooo ooo all night long!”

A kazoo pops up in your peripheral vision, courtesy of Adam. You take it and begin to play the last little bit of the song. You intentionally flub some notes and slide things to sound almost troll-like in execution (but then, you’re pretty sure that’s what Brent Arnold does with the erhu in the actual show). Regardless, the crowd seems to be digging it. (Either that, or they’re still laughing at the “spook” bit from earlier.)

“Yeah, I just wanna be a ghost,” you sing.

“She just wants to be a ghost,” your sister echoes.

“Yeah, I just wanna be a ghost...”

“She just wants to be a ghost…”

“Yeah, I just wanna be a ghost and go ooo ooo ooo all night long!”

The last chord your sister plays is less a chord and more a keysmash, but it works.

Ryan and Shane are the first two to start clapping. Sara’s cheering and pumping her fist in the air, Helen’s laughing, you’re pretty sure Jen’s shouting something about wanting your babies again. You couldn’t hold back your smile even if you wanted to. You gesture back towards your sister, so she received her proper acknowledgment, too, and she stands and waves at the crowd.

“None of you know who I am!” she exclaims.

“Happy sixty-ninth episode!” you call to much more laughter. “That’s right! I said it! I refuse to mask the immaturity of these two with pretense!” You point at Ryan and Shane, who are walking over to you.

“You’re so fucking weird,” Shane says, raising his fist in a bump-like manner. You do indeed bump fists with him.

“Also, I hope y’all weren’t expecting the Mothman song because I can’t make that sound,” you say. “I’m not Gelsey Bell.”

“…well, now, I’m just heartbroken,” Shane says with a pout.

“That was fucking awesome,” Ryan says before hugging you. You don’t expect it, so it throws you back a step, but you return the gesture.

“Thanks,” you say.

“I’m so glad you work with us,” Ryan says, letting you go. “Like, I’m so glad you got assigned to ‘Unsolved’.”

“So sappy, this one, am I right?” Shane points at Ryan.

Before anyone can say anything else, a face pops up from behind your shoulder.

“Where is booze?” your sister asks. “I was promised booze.”

“Ryan, Shane, please meet my sister,” you say, holding a hand up in front of her face, as though showing it off. “She’s better at piano than I am and can also sing.”

“So you’re Ryan,” your sister says, stepping out from behind you to shake his hand. (There’s a long enough of a pause for you to understand the tone in her voice. A tone only you pick up on. “So you’re my sister’s soulmate.”) She then offers her hand to Shane. “And you’re Shane. I hear you’ve written a monstrosity.”

“If you’re talking about the Hotdaga, you would be incorrect,” Shane says. “I’ve written a masterpiece.” You think there’s a slight wince in his face for a moment, and you get the feeling that your sister has just squeezed his hand very hard – harder than he was expecting she could squeeze.

“Anyway…just wanna give y’all a warning,” she says sweetly. “Anything happens to my baby sis at any of these haunted places y’all film at…and I kick your asses.”

“Um, not gonna happen, because ghosts aren’t real,” Shane scoffs.

“No, but some of those buildings are still old and decrepit,” your sister says. “Railings could come loose, foundations could crumble, she could get a splinter and who the fuck knows how old that wood is and what kind of diseases lurk in there.”

“Nothing bad will happen to her,” Ryan says before Shane can argue further. “We’re always very careful at these shoots, so…she’s in good hands.” Your sister points a finger in Ryan’s face.

“She better be,” she warns.

All of a sudden, you’re tackled from the side.

“THAT WAS THE FUNNEST SONG I HAVE EVER HEARD!” Sara raves into your ear. “You are a treasure for bringing so much wonderful new music into my life!”

“Thanks, Sara,” you laugh, hugging her back. Over her shoulder, you see Helen. laughing at Sara’s enthusiasm. You wave at her. She waves back, before giving a thumbs-up and mouthing something that looks like “It was great”.

You feel something – someone – poking your shoulder.

“Oh my god, let me have a moment with my friends,” you hiss at your sister, whose pointy assault of your shoulder does not let up.

“But booooooze!” she whines.

“Oh my god,” you sigh, letting Sara go. “I’m gotta appease my sister with alcohol. Talk later?” Everyone nods.

“Later!” your sister says with a wave, before aiming a two-fingered point at Shane and Ryan. “Remember my threats!” You wrap an arm around her waist and guide her away before anything else vaguely threatening can be said.

“You are ridiculous,” you mutter, trying to sound angry and a little embarrassed…but it’s your sister, so…you kind of aren’t.

“I’m just looking out for you,” she defends. “I was also curious about your Ryan.” You hush her.

“He’s not my Ryan,” you whisper as the two of you approach a table with punch that is undoubtedly spiked.

“He’s still your soulmate, even if he doesn’t know it, and I wanna make sure his intentions towards you are good ones.” Your sister picks up a plastic cup, forgoes ice, and begins to ladle copious amounts of punch into the cup.

“I’m not talking about this with you, here, in front of my coworkers and colleagues,” you say, picking up a can of Sprite and popping it open. “Besides...”

You look back where you’ve just walked away from. Ryan’s arm is around Helen’s waist as they talk to TJ and his wife. Helen’s leaning against his shoulder, a content smile on her face.  While TJ is talking, Ryan looks down at Helen and brushes a kiss against her temple. You turn away before anyone can catch you looking.

“She’s cute,” your sister says. “You were right about that.”

“They’re happy,” you say.

“I can see that.” Your sister nudges your shoulder. “You could be happy, too.” You stare at her for a while before shaking your head.

“Come on,” you say. “Let’s go find Adam. See if there are any of those raindrop cakes left.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback welcome and appreciated.


End file.
